this is the latest i have stayed up in...forever. to think, i was so proud of myself for staying up until four thursday night!

tonight...i wouldn't qualify it as fun but i am really glad i went out. i had some really nice talks with patrick g. and curtis. and i talked to mark hurst for a really long time. he is actually a really really nice guy and wow, he is going through a lot right now. and of course, i caught an asshole telling someone that i was his arch nemesis and that i had thrown a brick through his window. i tried to ignore him most of the night and was annoyed that i had to stop a conversation with patrick to correct him. dudes, i do not throw bricks through windows. sorry to disappoint.

came home and made lindsay and kelly watch degrassi. they REALLY hated it and left me to go to bed, and at about that time kelli came home. i talked to her for about an hour about jana. she is heart broken. she said she feels cheated. it is really fucking sad. i can't imagine what i would do if anyone i was really really close to was murdered. she says that there are so many 'coulda, shoulda wouldas'. this whole thing actually could have been stopped, as in someone knew something bad was going to happen before it actually did.... and not in that 'oh man, i feel like something bad is about to happen' sense.

gah!

i listened to mark talk about jana and then his parents and it was really awful. i think i said that i was sorry that he was going through all of this shit in his life right now. he stopped me and said that he was glad because it made him value his life more. it's weird because people say those sorts of things all the time but it always sounds like rhetoric. this time i actually knew what he meant.

the funeral is wednesday. i'll stop talking about all of this then, i think. do not feel sorry for me. i'm definitely freaked out and i keep having visions of the last time i saw her (she was with fito). but we were not close. i'm not mourning for me. i'm mourning for all of my friends. i'm mourning because this is such a loss for everyone, especially those who never had the chance to meet her. i was privileged enough to have known her. i'm lucky.